So, a few days ago, the results of my final exams were revealed to me. Interestingly, I passed. It would seem that my days in medical school are finally drawing to a close. Long, long journey this has been. And I dont even feel exhilarated, or excited, or proud. I only feel relief, and numbness. Relief that I didnt fail. Relief that I dont have to go through the very-familiar agony of re-writing the particular exam. But that is another story.
Am I ungrateful for feeling angry, spent and drained? Am I unwell for feeling this myriad of emotions that even I cannot define, or fathom? Have I really lost my mind, like I feel?
I am angry. Angry that I have had to go through this long journey. Angry that this journey, though it hasnt killed me, hasnt made me stronger, either(I think, as I told a friend, that whoever came up with that saying should be shot in the head, because it is nonsense) What doesnt kill you only makes you stronger??Really???I beg to differ.
They say that, when you go through any tough experience, its because of a number of things. I have heard all kinds of stuff, but ive decide that for the purpose of this post, I will enumerate just five.
One, its a precursor of the fact that you are going to be great, therefore you are going through more hardships than everyone else.
Two, so as to prepare you to be ready for a greater challenge, of which two is connected to one, then, because greatness comes at a high price.
Three, if you are a Christian, its the easy one-God’s ways are not man’s ways, so He knows whatsup, and even though you dont know, follow him blindly because He knows exactly what He is doing. He will not let you fall, or stumble, without His permission.
Four, it may be a consequence of something you, or someone in your family, or someone you care about has done(this is not applicable to all situations, but I think its worthy of mention anyways. Maybe someday I will be able to address it.) and you are simply reaping what you have sown.
Five, we live in a world that is miles and miles and miles beyond our understanding. Things happen that have no known traceable cause, or source. You, may have just been a victim of circumstance, in which case, makes you even more confused than ever. And the solution to that? either you go through said situation angry and upset, or you find peace in ignorance, and hope that, someday, somehow, you will realise the reason for what you went through. Of course, someday could be here, during your physical years on earth, or beyond(If you believe in that sort of thing), or, even more scary, you may never ever know why.
That brings me to the crux of my problem. Where do I fit in all of this?
Please note, I am not a pathetic, sad individual. I am not crying wounded, either. My life is not the worst of all, by any standards, and in a lot of ways, I have it better than most. What I am doing, is venting. Trying to grasp any shred of saneness in all of the chaos going on in my mind. This is afterall my blog, and even though I am not yet sure what I will put on here most of the time, I am hoping it will serve a useful purpose to me and to anyone else. I need healing, and I hope that at some point, this helps.
How can I feel relieved that I did not fail??Even though I studied hard, and deprived myself, and was dedicated to my books? What brings a person to such a point? How can my primary thought process be that I fail? Even when I am well aware that I am not, by any standards, unintelligent? How can I get closure from this same?
What does not kill you will make you stronger. Hmm. I have some research to do. The Holy Book says wisdom can be found by he who seeks it out. Maybe I will eventually find out why or how it came about. Maybe then I will understand why, the rest of the world believes that to be fact and I think it to be entirely erroneous.
See you folks soon.