Tag Archives: freedom

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She picked up her phone to call, heart racing, ears pounding. They hadn’t spoken in weeks. Pride made them unable to reach out for each other, even though they were hurting. So much water had passed under the bridge…

Will he even answer?She wondered. Anxious…gosh, what to say, even! Panicked, suddenly wondering why she was even calling..but,oops! Too late! She heard his voice..

‘Hey! Been really busy..What’s up now’? He asked. So casually. As if we spoke only yesterday. As if she was just an ordinary friend.

‘Im fine’ she shrilled. Voice too tiny, too tense. ‘Are you still very busy?’ she asked,suddenly at a loss. 

‘Yes I am’, he replied. Sounding a little terse. Cold.

‘Alright, just wanted to know how you were doing..take care! Bye!’ she chirps.

The line disconnected even before she was done talking. Thirty-one seconds on the timer.

She’d always hated that-how he always seems like in a hurry to get off the phone. Was he this way with  just me, she wondered? Or is he this way with every one else?

Oh God, why am I even agonizing about this?? Why did I even call? Sobbing,she lay on the bed. Tears filling her throat. Hurt filling her heart. This Oh-So-Familiar pain. Why, why, why???

 

 

He saw her. He knew she would hurt afterwards. He felt her pain even as she felt it. He felt her let down, he knew her deepest longings. And he knew that she would cry to Him-suffering brings you to the end of yourself, where you realize that God is ALL you have. He knew she would come with the pieces of her, shattered.

 

Why won’t you be patient, my child?He asks, after her heart’s bare,raw before Him. Why do you not trust me, my child?He asks, His voice full of sorrow. Am I not your friend? Have I not stood by you through those times? When you failed that exam, did I not comfort you? Did I not remind you that you are smart? Strengthen you to try again? When hatred threatened to consume you, because your uncle betrayed you, did I not call you to myself? Did I not soothe your aching heart with the balm of my love? When he treated you like a whore-when he used your body and beat down your mind, your will, was it not I who picked you up and lifted your head and made you beautiful again? Was it not I who restored your dignity, your self worth?

 

Why do you forget so quickly, my dear?

Why do you seek the love of the one who does not know how to love you? Who does not care even, to learn how to love you? Do you forget that I crafted how you need to be loved in my own heart? I LOVE YOU! Do you not see that?

 

My yoke is easy, child. My burden is light. Do you forget so quickly the peace you have when you are thinking of me? When your heart’s thinking of ways to please me? Do you forget the spring in your steps, darling, the love shining in your eyes, the joy trilling forth from your voice, when your heart is loving mine?

 

Why do you have such a penchant for worry, my love? My heart delights when your heart’s bursting with love! When there’s a smile in your every word. When its all you can do not to be happy!

 

Why, child?

 

Come, child. Its warm here. Rest. Sleep in the comfort of my arms. Rest in my embrace. Please, let me hold your hand. Let me kiss your nightmares away. Let me love you. Let me heal your aching heart. Let me dry your tears. And afterwards, let’s take a walk. Together.

 

Come. 

*Written on October 2nd, 2012. At a time when my life was falling apart.

But it fell apart to come together again, God’s way. Not mine.

I was reminded of it today, again.

Sometimes…there needs to be a falling apart for a coming together.

In whatever situation.*

 

 

 

 

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ToAsT.


Four months, 3days ago, I did the BC(The Big Chop) It was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life. Not only was it a decision that was a long time coming, It was also a well researched, well thought out decision. Prior to this I had done-and still continue to do research on maintaining my hair in its natural state-complete with its messy array of curls and coils and naps 🙂

This isnt a life changing decision. Starvation did not cease, in Africa because I chopped off my hair. I’m African, and like a good number of African ladies, I had never thought to manage my own ‘natural’ hair in its natural state. I had only handled it in its relaxed state.
For a long time, though, I had toyed with the idea of my natural hair. And, when I chopped off my relaxed ends, I felt a sense of relief..and accomplishment.
But, as with everything that isn’t the ‘norm’, It sparked up different feelings in different people. Suffice it to say that some of my friends thought I had gone bonkers. Some thought(and still think) that it was/is a ‘phase’ and will pass(there are people who don’t think I will carry it through, for at least a year..lol..God keeping us, proving them wrong will give me so much pleasure). Some think that im very bold, for making such a move.
All of them are wrong 🙂
Because, there’s really one reason I chopped off my hair. And that’s because I wanted to do it. I.Wanted.To.Do.It. Period. Its the one thing that I did for ME. The one thing for ME that i’ve done in a long time.
And so, it was a momentous decision for me. Because, with the growth of my hair, I find that  I am also growing with the experience. Learning patience. Learning tolerance of the views of other people. Learning, little by little, how to overlook some things.
Therefore, even though my father hates it and thinks I look juvenile and has subjected me to hiding it under braids because it doesnt fit his mold of what MY hair should look like, even though My brother thinks it isnt my best look, even though my mom is unable to decide what she thinks, and Chinwe thinks that im crazy, even though my hair stylist thinks that I should ‘blow it out’,  It doesnt really matter 🙂
Because in the end, this is really about ME.
On the plus side, Ike thinks I look classy, Anu thinks I look gorgeous, and Ijeoma thinks that I look like a hot lesbian chic(#laughing). My sister, God bless her soul is probably the only member of my family, who remotely gets it 🙂 and my Gary, who hated my hair at first, now completely adores it 🙂
So here’s to me, and my confused mass of curls! We shall, God willing, beat all the odds, and together, grow into our full maturity, despite the opposition. And we will stay beautiful(at least most of the time..lol)Most of all, we shall be together!
 Thanks to the natural hair sisters from whom I draw inspiration- Kandee, Natural chica, Nushy 🙂 May we stay strong in our resolve!
To us! #Imaginary glasses clink…lol.