Tag Archives: God

Became.


The year 2016 started on a very high note for her. She had gotten engaged to her(then) boyfriend eight days prior, in a beautiful, surprising little ceremony that took her breath away. The love of her life. The one that God sent to her, to love forever. Her life seemed to be moving in the direction she thought it should. Hope was flying around, infectious, available for the taking, and she grabbed it greedily. Didn’t God say he would always finish what he’d started? All the technicalities of being married and moving out finally were not finalized, but there was a ring! He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her(or so the ring promised)! Nothing could touch her! Nothing could touch them. 

She could plan. She could decorate her home(in her head). All those experiments she always wanted to try in the kitchen, she could finally do them!She could finally talk about her wedding dress, her wedding colors, she could look forward to being a queen on her special day. She could finally have legal sex. 
It’s December 2016 and she can tell you that on a scale of 1-10, this year ranks 259,000 as the most difficult year in the entirety of her short(or not-so-short) life. 

Every dream held dear to her for this year got shattered. Every fear she ever had came to pass this year. 

Failed professional exams(twice)?✔️

Being so broke at some point that even 10naira could not surface?✔️

Crying such bucketfuls this year from a heart that has been so riddled with pain and fear that it’s hard to remember if there was a time she didn’t cry all the time?✔️✔️

Justin Timberlake knew what he was saying when He sang ‘Cry Me A River’. She knew now that it was possible.

Nightmares that woke her up and made her bolt up like someone on a leash?✔️

Woken up crying many many many times, evidenced by tears on the face?✔️

Questioned her sanity more times this year than in the entirety of her life?✔️✔️✔️

An object of ridicule and pity? ✔️✔️ ✔️✔️✔️

Tried?✔️Afflicted?✔️Wounded?✔️ Bruised?✔️Battered?✔️✔️
Many things were said. She is strong, they said. She is hard, they said. She is unyielding, they said.
When it became the only choice, when it got to the point where I should have been chosen, I wasn’t chosen.

When it got too hot, I was dropped.

Heartbreak, long lost enemy she thought she had lost forever was back.You can’t get rid of me, he seemed to whisper gleefully in her ears.

Twenty-Sweet-Sixteen? Sweet? What was that, exactly?

Oh, but you see, many other things happened this year.

For one, more than anything else, She appreciates the precious gift of God as a sure friend in her life this year. She is nobody in the grand scheme of things. Really. Smaller than a dot, a speck. 
But she is chosen. Nothing was clearer this year than this. 

Chosen by God to BE LOVED and to LOVE.

BELOVED. Every tear She cried he cried right with her. Not one of her tears are wasted. Even the ones she is crying now, blurring her vision as she types this.
Her hope is anchored on a surety that will NEVER expire, never finish, never become invalid. She cannot sell this surety for any amount because nothing can buy it. All the riches of this world cannot pay for it. All.

This therefore means that her hope can NEVER end.
Friendships, covenant friendships were formed this year, the blood of Jesus Christ being the seal..and that is a blood that is more powerful than any other force in the world. Bonds that cannot be broken even by death.
You see, pain provides the sharp contrast against pleasure. Love provides the sharp contrast against fear. If you haven’t felt pain, pleasure isn’t as intense, as important. If you haven’t felt fear, Love is not as appreciated, as treasured.
Ah, but Pain redeems. Ask Jesus. His pain, his blood on the cross redeemed the whole of Humanity. So her pain redeems. There is beauty on the other side.

The love of God is real. It is Sure. It’s firm.

It’s surer than gravity.

Better than life.

Does not change or alter, like shifting shadows.

It is scandalous, consistent, incomprehensible.

It’s humbling. 

She does not understand it, can’t ever fully comprehend it in the limited scope of this present human frame and sensibilities, ah but it is a cushion, a safe place, a warm place. A place where impossibilities become possible. 
For a while there, her name was Mara. But He reminded her that she is a fruitful vine. A beautiful land.

Hephzibah.

Beulah.

Her land flows with Milk and Honey.

There is purpose in her existence. 

So she will stay here. In Jesus.

Here is the place of thanksgiving, of thanks-living, of thank-FULL-ness, of hope, of peace, of total dependence.
And all of her little girl dreams will be rebuilt, restored, slowly maybe.(or not. Who is to determine?)But surely. 

All. Not one missing, not one broken, not one lost.
He will STILL do what He has said He will do. He is God. And she trusts Him.

You are mine. I cherish you, He says.

That’s all.

 

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Out there. Here.


You ever get there? You ever figure?Where your tired is tired?

Is this what it is?

Is this how it plays out?

Gnashing my teeth unconsciously I only notice when I have a headache.

Chest so tight I hear a wheeze.

Not the asthma wheeze. It’s the heart-fractured-in-so-many-places pain is oozing out from every crack-kind-of-wheeze.

Neither Band-aid nor POP can fix this.

Silent screams wishing somehow to be heard..

How do I sort through this pain? settled in my chest like a king.

Where do I start to mend from?

Pain so diverse, yet so familiar I don’t even know where to ligate.

To stop the bleeding that has become.
But You are great, O God. There can be no other. You are true. All else is a lie. You are Great. Beautiful for all situations. I can’t concern myself with anything else. I won’t concern myself with anything else. You slay me. I praise you. 
One day. That day. The day. She comes forth. It comes forth.

That day that her experience lines up with her position.

That day that the tears are of joy not sorrow.

Great day when her heart takes flight.
You are beautiful, You are lovely. You are kind, you are wise, you are IMPORTANT.

He will remind you how lovely, how honorable, how beautiful, how valuable, how important you are.

Your light shines brighter and brighter. Nothing barren is roundabout or inside of you. You are woman, phenomenally you, blessedly priceless. 
It won’t be long now. Blessings upon blessings. Mountains being removed. It won’t be long now. 
The day comes, it breaks forth, when you don’t have to struggle to wonder if you are special to the man that God has kept for you. Where you don’t have to doubt if it’s you or it’s everyone else. Till then, thank the Lord that to Him, you are always special, always different, always loved, always cherished. 

Thank you Jesus for your unfailing love. 

This thing called Love.


Two nights ago I tried to imagine what heaven looked like on the day of the crucifixion.

A little background-God was on earth, living as a man, ‘limited’ by all the frailties and the constrictions of this human body. 
I’m sure there were discourses and talks in heaven on this topic. ‘The Benefits of being man’ or ‘The man-God’. Lol. The Angels must have wondered why anyone who could be in a million different places at once would want to be in one place, walking around in the dust and the harsh weather,talking to people whose hearts were so hardened by sin,pain and everything in between, that they probably wouldn’t have listened.

You know why I’m certain they would have talked about it? Because the bible says that angels long to look into the things of salvation. They long to understand it. But they don’t. That is a sole preserve of God and humans.
Think about that for a while, will you?
So,come crucifixion afternoon,Jesus died. 
God died. 
The hosts of heavenly armies must have looked on in horror. I know that they were loyal to God entirely, and they trusted that He knew what He was doing-after all, He has NEVER failed. But I often wonder if maybe a few of them thought that maybe God had taken it too far?
 Probably my humanity talking….lol.
Anyway, my musing continued.I imagined that as they looked on, they kept thinking in their minds, he will send us out to end this madness right now. I’m sure they were more than ready to save Jesus from this terrible,shameful death in a micro second. They must have wondered what on earth(pun intended) was going on. With the flick of their fingers they could have ended the crucifixion and restored Jesus’ body.
Yet God told them to do nothing. To stay put.
Nothing.
How frustrating,I imagine.
Heaven must have been silent. 
God died. 
Oh,but resurrection morning came. Resurrection morning. The morning that altered everything forever.
Everything changed from there. Even our regular calendar is dated Before Christ, and After Death. B.C And A.D.
He rose. He used death to destroy death itself so everyone knows they need not die or be subject to death anymore.
His death made a public show of the disgrace of Satan.
His resurrection made a public show of God’s superiority and Boss-hood. Lol.  Not that it needed to be shown. 
The heavens declare His power and Royalty.
Creation worships just by being. The sun worships by rising and setting every day since forever without fail. The cock crows the same time everyday, via an internal body clock. The earth has not fallen out of orbit since creation. Who else but God could have done that?
Pastor Philip Ransom Bello would always say that if the devil understood what God’s plan of salvation was,he would have done everything to make sure Jesus did not die.
Salvation was a brilliant,genius thing that could have only been brought about by a God whose ways are so superior,so unbelievably foolproof that it can only be the true God. It’s motivation is love. Pure,blinding,scandalous,unprecedented, unequivocal,unapologetic(please insert your own adjectives here)love. A love that the Angels cannot understand because the salvation plan was not even made known to them. 
A love that cut through my heart last night in a way that I cannot fully explain. A love that humbled me and left me unable to stand(literally)for the sheer force of it, just so I can hold my head up high the rest of the days of my life,knowing that I am loved in ways that I can’t fully comprehend until maybe this body is renewed.
I’m saved. I didn’t earn it. I could never pay for it. But it was given freely to me. Because I believed. Only.
He died. Then He rose. 
For me.
Overwhelmed. Forever in awe.

Musings on Sovereign.


I read Da Vinci’s code for the first time in 2005. I’d never heard of Dan Brown before that time, so I had no prior biases.

I enjoyed it. Immensely. It was such an interesting, well written, fast paced thriller. Of course the fact that it was a book speaking about so-called controversies in the catholic church(I was raised catholic and there was so much I didn’t understand. Not to say this book helped me understand any further..lol. But it helped solidify my already restless thoughts about God and Church and all that jazz. However that is talk for another time. I digress!)

At the end of it all, I came away with the ‘knowledge'(even though he already wrote a disclaimer that although his book was well researched, it was a work of fiction) that Jesus Christ had indeed married Mary Magdalene and had a child.

To be honest, I didn’t know how to take this information. I was not incensed nor was I completely disbelieving. I tried to reason it out like an intellectual. I wanted to be one of those of whom it could be said that could read anything and process the information without becoming unduly influenced. You see, it was important to me that I was not known as a religious bigot, neither did I want to be known as an intolerant person.

So after much ruminating, I came to the conclusion that it was okay if Jesus was married. He was man, wasn’t he? Marriage is a very important part of adult life, I told myself.

So long as my beliefs were not shaken, so long as him being married did not affect how I viewed Jesus, it was okay.

And I was fine.

Three days ago, (nine years and maybe a few months later), I stumbled upon the Da-vinci code on TV. It became a big motion picture, as you all know, and it was the subject of so much talk.

And in watching it, I realised I never really believed that Jesus was married.

Not because of any indoctrination either.

No, this revelation was wholly of the spirit of God. And I know this because I could not have thought it through in my own knowledge.

You see, Jesus was and is God. He came to earth to save us from what we could not save ourselves from. We could never have pleased God because we were never good enough from the start. Adam made sure of that.

He is one with God, and so He knows all things with God. He knows our end from our beginning. He knows every man’s thoughts before he even thinks it.

And because God is the biggest dramatist, the best cinematographer, screen writer, the biggest movie writer of all time, the biggest everything of everything good and beautiful, because God wrote the plan of salvation long before we even knew we needed saving, he also knew that the Da-vinci code would be written in this time. He knew that the topic of Jesus’ marriage-or lack thereof would come up.

He knew man’s propensity to fit God into a box, into his own mold. Into his own understanding.

He knew man would try to think through the issue of salvation in his own limited thoughts.

He knew that, if Jesus got married, had an earthly bloodline, had earthly children,someone would try to water down salvation and grace. That man would reduce the fact of Jesus’ death and resurrection to a matter of earthly bloodlines. That we would try to compress the fact that because we have access now to God wholly through Jesus Christ, that we have the righteousness of God through Christ and Christ alone, making us sons and co-heirs, someone would try to make us all unequal in grace because someone would say that the original earthly bloodline of Jesus was superior and that these superior ones who have his blood flowing through their veins may not have to confess with their mouths and believe with their hearts that Jesus is Lord.

Because that’s what humans do. We classify. We segregate. We separate into castes. Into colors.

But in God there are no favorites. In God we are ALL equal. We are all sons. All children of the Most High. Jesus’ blood saved me and redeemed me and gave me unlimited, unending access.

Me and everyone else who believes that Jesus is Lord.

And that is all that counts.

PS-I have ‘un-learned’ the ‘knowledge’ of Jesus’ marriage. Hehe.

Oh, and Happy new year guys 🙂 Better late than never.

The Pulse Of Holy


 

Hey guys 🙂 its been a long long hiatus hasn’t it ?:-)

So much has been going on and I have ignored this blog so long..but I met a complete stranger today who said he read my blog and asked why I’d stopped writing. I had no answer..but I am humbled and grateful for him because he encouraged me to write..again. In like five minutes..lol. Thank you, Jude Eneh:-)

 

So, I want to talk to you about something that has been on my mind for a little while now. Yep I am back!

 

Someone important was talking about holiness and sanctity of the church(the building and the institution) and how,amongst other things, Christians do not take the House of God seriously anymore and are often found gossiping, chewing gum and generally being ‘un-church-like’ in church. Lol. I am sure you guys understand what I am trying to say. Anyway, he got to a part in his talk and said that what was being done at their own Christian gathering was not ‘the same’ as what was done at any ‘ordinary’ prayer meeting outside(paraphrased). Ie it was superior.

 

For some reason my mind stayed stuck on that one sentence. Mulled it over. Dissected it. Worried it. Tore it apart. Contemplated it. Ruminated about it..lol..you sha get the point.

 

Is there such thing as an ‘ordinary’ prayer meeting? I mused.

 

Let’s break this down.

 

Prayer is the communication of the Spirit of man with the Spirit of God. Because, God is wholly Spirit(thank you TSP for this teaching) so the only way to communicate with Him is Spirit to Spirit, hence prayer.

 

So, there is a reason why Jesus said, where two or three gather, I am there.

He didn’t talk just because he liked the sound of his voice. He said it to show that the Spirit of God, which hovered over the waters way way before ‘the beginning’ as us humans know it, which was present at creation, which God breathed into man to give his body life…there is a reason why the Spirit of God is present when we pray. Its because when we pray our spirits are in communication with God, who is Spirit..and He comes to that place of prayer to inhabit the prayers and praises of His people.

 

 

Since God’s nature is Holy, His holiness is a constant! He. Is. Holy. It does not change. It does not increase or decrease. It does not go anywhere. It is a living, breathing, life-giving thing, with them that pray, in them, whether its two people or a million, and His holiness changes EVERYTHING!

 

 

Therefore, just because a song contains the name Jesus, or God, don’t make it holy, right? Its the Spirit behind a thing that makes it holy or unholy. Not everyone who goes to church is saved. And not everyone gets saved in church. I didn’t get saved in church. Does that make the experience less valid because I did not partake of a rite of passage at church?

 

No ritual, no rites, nothing makes a place holy. These things are a crutch that man needs to get on and live by, to feel like he is doing something. God does not need a ceremony to be in a place or in someone. All He needs is to be invited in.

 

God makes people holy. By association, that Spirit which inhabits people is what makes a place and/or a gathering holy. This is the reason why a Church building may be said to be holy, because God will most likely be invited in there. And its the same principle behind the fact that a club may be said to be unholy because people going to a club are not really thinking about God there(that is probably an understatement..lol)

 

 

This is why there is no such thing as an ordinary prayer meeting. Except you are trying to tell me that God is ordinary. Or that the Spirit of God is ordinary. Ha!

 

 

Christians need to learn to stop fighting and discriminating against each other. I keep telling my friends that when Jesus comes, He won’t come to take the Assemblies of God Church to heaven. Or the Anglican Church. He will take individuals, individual spirits, if you like, who have worshipped Him in truth and spirit. Whether they belonged to big churches or small churches or no churches.

 

No one genuinely Christian way of worship is better than another. Why Christians fight for superiority over each other is beyond me. That ain’t even Christian. Smh.

 

There is a name for people who think that everyone else who isn’t in their own little group, who don’t do things the way they do it or the way they think it should be done, is wrong. Its found in Galatians 5v19-21.

 

Let’s not get it twisted. The pulse of Holiness is found in man, because the Spirit of God lives in man. Not because one church institution is better than another.

 

Toh. I am out. Not for too long though. wink

 

Untitled.


She picked up her phone to call, heart racing, ears pounding. They hadn’t spoken in weeks. Pride made them unable to reach out for each other, even though they were hurting. So much water had passed under the bridge…

Will he even answer?She wondered. Anxious…gosh, what to say, even! Panicked, suddenly wondering why she was even calling..but,oops! Too late! She heard his voice..

‘Hey! Been really busy..What’s up now’? He asked. So casually. As if we spoke only yesterday. As if she was just an ordinary friend.

‘Im fine’ she shrilled. Voice too tiny, too tense. ‘Are you still very busy?’ she asked,suddenly at a loss. 

‘Yes I am’, he replied. Sounding a little terse. Cold.

‘Alright, just wanted to know how you were doing..take care! Bye!’ she chirps.

The line disconnected even before she was done talking. Thirty-one seconds on the timer.

She’d always hated that-how he always seems like in a hurry to get off the phone. Was he this way with  just me, she wondered? Or is he this way with every one else?

Oh God, why am I even agonizing about this?? Why did I even call? Sobbing,she lay on the bed. Tears filling her throat. Hurt filling her heart. This Oh-So-Familiar pain. Why, why, why???

 

 

He saw her. He knew she would hurt afterwards. He felt her pain even as she felt it. He felt her let down, he knew her deepest longings. And he knew that she would cry to Him-suffering brings you to the end of yourself, where you realize that God is ALL you have. He knew she would come with the pieces of her, shattered.

 

Why won’t you be patient, my child?He asks, after her heart’s bare,raw before Him. Why do you not trust me, my child?He asks, His voice full of sorrow. Am I not your friend? Have I not stood by you through those times? When you failed that exam, did I not comfort you? Did I not remind you that you are smart? Strengthen you to try again? When hatred threatened to consume you, because your uncle betrayed you, did I not call you to myself? Did I not soothe your aching heart with the balm of my love? When he treated you like a whore-when he used your body and beat down your mind, your will, was it not I who picked you up and lifted your head and made you beautiful again? Was it not I who restored your dignity, your self worth?

 

Why do you forget so quickly, my dear?

Why do you seek the love of the one who does not know how to love you? Who does not care even, to learn how to love you? Do you forget that I crafted how you need to be loved in my own heart? I LOVE YOU! Do you not see that?

 

My yoke is easy, child. My burden is light. Do you forget so quickly the peace you have when you are thinking of me? When your heart’s thinking of ways to please me? Do you forget the spring in your steps, darling, the love shining in your eyes, the joy trilling forth from your voice, when your heart is loving mine?

 

Why do you have such a penchant for worry, my love? My heart delights when your heart’s bursting with love! When there’s a smile in your every word. When its all you can do not to be happy!

 

Why, child?

 

Come, child. Its warm here. Rest. Sleep in the comfort of my arms. Rest in my embrace. Please, let me hold your hand. Let me kiss your nightmares away. Let me love you. Let me heal your aching heart. Let me dry your tears. And afterwards, let’s take a walk. Together.

 

Come. 

*Written on October 2nd, 2012. At a time when my life was falling apart.

But it fell apart to come together again, God’s way. Not mine.

I was reminded of it today, again.

Sometimes…there needs to be a falling apart for a coming together.

In whatever situation.*

 

 

 

 

Madness,maybe?


‘I believe in God, and I know He is God and can do all things. However, I also believe He has given us knowledge so that we can make informed decisions based on this knowledge. Let us not tempt God in our decisions. Some things cannot change. What can God do?’-excerpt,paraphrased.

Not tempt God?
What can God do?

I felt betrayed. It was like a sucker punch to my gut. It literally took the wind out of my sails.

After crying and yelling and railing, I went back to thinking. Decided to find out the meaning of tempt. Here’s what I got:

Tempt-To entice to do wrong by promise of pleasure or gain.
To induce to do something.
To risk provoking.

Going further, I checked the meaning of provoke.

Provoke-to incite to anger-both from the Merriam Websters Dictionary of the English language.

Now….what can God do?
Wow…hmmm….a question that a lot of us have asked(with our actions). How?
When we are impatient,having bought into the ‘now’ culture which has pervaded the secular world and now intruded and taken over our Churches,the need for instant gratification evident when we go ahead to venture into a business deal without His backing or endorsement,because it looks like it may yield immediate profit.

The craze that has become picking out a life partner by ourselves,without waiting for Him to bring who He has prepared for us.

The way we forget to pray when we get ill.

Looking to others-people like you and I,running this same race of life, for validation. And despising them when they cannot provide that which only God can.

In each way we turn to our selves first,our money,our friends, our families(first), what we are really doing is asking God what He can do.

I’d never heard the words put so succinctly before and they sounded so blasphemous to my ears,so I recoiled in horror because, hypocrite that I am( I am really no better because I had only subconsciously thought it amd not voiced it), I thought,for just a minute there,that I was better. And I asked the stupidest question ever. ‘How can you say such a thing?’
But the real question should have been ‘what CAN’T He do?’

And in that second,I realised why the statement ‘don’t tempt God’ had always grated.

Don’t tempt God? How,exactly? How can us,mere humans do that? Seduce Him?(I guffawed at the thought) By inducing Him to do something?
Me,incite God?

We make Him too small.

Is there anything that He doesn’t already know? Is there anything you want to ask that He didn’t lay in your heart? Is there anything you want to ask that hasn’t been asked? The desires and wishes of man haven’t changed from creation and the fall of man. God has been dealing with our kind since for ever.

Since when does faith provoke God to anger?

Since when is believing the very nature,the very essence of God wrong?

Because if believing the impossible is tempting God,I might as well resign to tempting Him my whole life. The idea of a man who died two thousand years ago being the salvation of the whole world is ludicrous,really,based on common knowledge.

But it isn’t knowledge that pleases God. Faith is.

So there.

omanma

There is contrast.


I’ve been reading the book of Ezra in the last few days.  Today I got to the part where there was a report about the Israelites getting married to pagan women(anyone who did not worship the God of Israel was referred to as pagan),and in most instances having children by them.

If you are familiar with some of biblical history, you will know that, in those days, God gave strict orders that the Israelites must not marry outside of Israel. This is because marriage is supposed to be an ‘integrater'(I don’t think that is a proper word but i’m using it anyway ;p).When you marry someone, you marry their hopes, dreams, likes , loves, belief systems. Essentially, you get stuck with everything-warts and all..hehehe.
And so marrying pagan women meant marrying their gods and ways. And their practices, which were said to be detestable to God.

Essentially, in God’s books, they were unfaithful to Him because they would have worshipped the gods of these pagans. And we know how God felt about idols. How He still feels about idols.

So, the anger of God burned against them. Fiercely. They were killed,robbed, captured.
When Ezra found out about this, he was devastated. Appalled. He sat in ashes in mourning. An assembly was called. The people confessed. And after confessing, as a sign of reconciliation, of godly repentance, an agreement was reached to divorce their pagan wives and send them away.

Hmm.

This was taking the moral high ground, for certain. The suffering and the injustice of it all..and why should the children have to pay for this? Divorce is NEVER a good thing. Never.  It seems too much a price to pay, really.

And yet, it was a strict decree from God..and his decrees take no prisoners.  Its either you do it or you don’t.  Either you fully obey, or you don’t.  All or nothing. His way or the highway. You get nowhere by sitting on the fence.

Faith is like that,you know. Taking the high road. Fixing your eyes on something only you can see. Faith literally eschews reality. Faith is NOT reality. Having faith is completely unrealistic. Anyone can and will believe in what they see. Faith…that is a completely different matter o. Because, like I said earlier, you get nowhere by sitting on the fence. You either have faith, or you don’t.

So, if we can profess to have faith;take the high road, fixing our eyes on what we say we believe and essentially ignoring everything else, not compromising until the evidence of things unseen is right there before us, then the flipside of the coin is, treating the decrees of God as such.
No compromise. No reasoning it out. No justifying. 
The decrees say, don’t steal. Don’t fornicate. Don’t lie about your neighbor.  Don’t gossip. Love.

Just fix your eyes on what you must do and don’t reason it out.

Afterall, when you are having faith and expecting God to respond, you don’t really expect him to reason it out. You honestly, really and truly expect Him to answer. If you are like me, you want Him to answer in the way you envisioned it in your head.

Sticking to and obeying the commands and wishes of God is its own form of faith. Its having to believe that,even though it seems okay to do these things, He had to have had a good reason for saying I shouldn’t.  And I’m choosing to focus on that reason even if I don’t completely understand it. #thinkaboutit.

And that is really and truly faith,friends. That’s the fear of God. That’s #nobullshit Christianity.

PS-very glad to be back and blogging. Very long hiatus- Your girl almost died. But that is a story for another day 🙂

April 20 Twale.


And so I’m returning from the female ward, after being called(unnecessarily) to review a patient whose blood sugar is high and is refusing to come down, whom I have already reviewed earlier today, mind, and written out instructions, informed the nurse, who didn’t inform the nurse who had called me, which therefore, invalidated the need for her to call me, and i’m making my way back to my apartment, after making sure all was done that was necessary, when AnE-the most dreaded unit to call you when you are on call, I might add, calls me to review a patient.

I do an about turn-and just as I am getting to the AnE, I see a woman, on the floor beside a cab, legs wide open, and…Oh Lord! I see a baby’s head! Her baby’s head! Her baby is about to be delivered right there on the floor!!

I grab a pair of gloves from the nurse, while he tries to fish for the scissors from the autoclave with which he will sever the umbilical cord, while the porters and attendants are scrambling to screen this lady off because she says that she is too tired to move to the appropriate place to deliver her baby. We move her back into the back-seat of the cab, ask her to hold on to the hand-rails of the car and PUUUUUSSSSSHHHH!! And with one final powerful effort, her beautiful, perfect, tiny little girl is born! Wailing at the top of her lungs, too! Oh, that beautiful sound of new life!

Cord severed, Placenta delivered, Baby fingers and toes all counted and Baby cleaned five minutes later, I take baby up to the baby unit,with her mommy being wheeled in right on my heels.

I go back downstairs, to AnE, and on reaching there,I find out that calling me was in error. I wasn’t really needed in AnE, it turns out.

Or was I?

What are the odds, people? What are the odds that I was going to be there, the exact moment, the exact hour? I had been delayed from going to the female ward when I had been called initially, so I went there about ten minutes later. If I had gone in at the time I was called, there would have been a delay in getting to the AnE because I would’ve already returned to my apartment, in which case, more distance would have had to be covered in order for me to return to AnE when the nurse called me(as opposed to the fact that I only had to do an about turn while returning to my apartment earlier). The AnE nurse was the only one there at the time, and he had his hands full dealing with another patient. The Obs and Gyne doctor had her hands full upstairs, too. I have only just finished my Obs and Gyne rotation, but i’m currently in Medicine. Yet I was called to review a patient who had already been reviewed by the casualty officer in AnE.

What cosmic force arranged this? Who is in charge of these tiny, little details, these events that are so small in the grand scheme of things but Oh-so-important??? What cosmic force would not let this precious, tiny little tot to be snatched away by death this afternoon, this wonderful little one who was also born on the birth-date of my precious mother?

The fool says in his heart, there is no God. And saying here, friends, does not necessarily mean the act of speaking by mouth. Its in actions. The things we do or don’t do.

Hmmm.

God, people. God. Chukwu. Osolobuwe. Allah. Kabiyesi. Oluwa. Olorun. Elohim. Elyon. Shen. Baha. Jehovah. Yahweh. Olodumare. Amba. Baya. Abasi. Duruma. Abrie. By whatever name you choose to call Him, in whatever language, GOD. Nothing escapes His notice. Nothing is beyond Him. Master-planner, Master dramatist(you have to admit this was pretty dramatic..lol), Master-everything. Even when things seem like they are spiraling out of control, He is a THERE force. That cosmic force, but so much more than just that. That tiny voice that whispers in your head and guides you in the way to go, but Oh, so much more than that.

Books cant contain Him, but he resides in my little heart.

And when He calls(and He will use any means necessary to call, like something as ordinary as using the AnE nurse’s phone), and you answer, it is ALWAYS worth it.

My man thinks that God, in His God-way, is trying to tell me something. Or some things. Hmm 🙂 I’ll just sit here, quietly, and hope that I can be still to KNOW. 🙂

God. He needs no introduction. My knees are on the ground. My heart, too. #AndThatIsAll.

*AnE-Accident and Emergency unit.

Obs and Gyne-Obstetrics and Gynecology, a branch of Medicine which deals with the care of pregnant women and overall care of the female reproductive system.

‘On call’-To be expressly available at anytime of the day or night, as a Doctor to review any patients in the unit you work, within the stipulated hours you will be at work,outside of the government stipulated work hours.*

…Selah…


….There is nothing wrong with wanting to be like God. Nothing blasphemous,or ambitious about that. We are made in His image and likeness-it is therefore,only a natural desire. It is why human beings are the only ‘creators’ in the whole world-Animals can create nothing. We are hard-wired to create because God who is our maker is The Creator. Its why technological, biochemical and biological creations will never cease to stun and surprise us.

Its the way we go about it that may be suspect, though. Eve ate the fruit of the tree of good and evil because she wanted to be like God. The problem with that though,was that she disobeyed God,to try to be like Him. Its like wanting to please your parents by passing your exams, but instead of studying to pass,you cheat on your tests. I’m assuming that your parents are reasonable people and want you to learn not only about the value of passing,but ultimately about the value of hard work ie- studying to pass. You would have passed that exam,but would have disobeyed your parents in the manner you passed.

Its the same principle at work here. God is the Creator. We can ONLY be like Him by His own rules. His own way. Not by anything we can fathom,or fashion.

A Letter for my Osolobuwe


For a while, Lord, perhaps all week, i’ve been filled with..vague disquiet. I’ve grappled with regret about a lot of things. Perhaps, for longer than that, maybe the whole year, in my hours of quiet-in the hours before dawn, before I have to be up and about, attending to the demands my world makes of me, i’ve wondered what my purpose here is. Maybe because i’m getting older? Maybe because the year is drawing to a close? I really do not know. I’ve examined my life as a person disconnected, dissociated from myself. I’ve struggled with being who you say I should be-often times failing, and with effort, rising back up to continue.

But perhaps, there lies the problem-struggling in my own strength?

As long as I’ve known, i’ve been taught to believe in you-the one true God. I’ve been taught to fear you. The one who created me, who formed me and knows me even more than i’ve known myself. The one who knows my thoughts before I think them, who knows exactly what i’m capable of. Who provides, who protects. The one I owe my very existence to-beginning from the very air that I cannot see,to water,whose formulation scientists cannot exactly recreate,no matter how hard they try.

I’ve had my doubts about You growing up though. What kind of God are you? Would You who has professed to be Love allow all the pain I see around me?Would You who professed to be love let an innocent baby die of AIDS, or let a ten year old be abused by her brother? You say you are concerned about the little intricate details of my life, yet you would let me ache with so much pain sometimes, I have thought I would die from it. You who say you love me, yet are silent more times than I care to count, in the face of my loneliness, worry and distress-when I need you the most.
You leave me with the uncertainty of not knowing the exact path my life would take.
Most of all,You who profess to love me has left me with this thing you call Free will-a thing i’ve often wondered whether I really need. You act as though your hands are tied by your principles-why give me free will, then? Since you know the heart of every man, you know who will rape who, and who will kill whom, why let it happen, Lord? We hurt each other when we cheat, when we lie, when we are greedy and selfish-and hurting ourselves hurts You-yet you stand there, seemingly helpless to stop the pain and the hurt. Does pain amuse you?
Why can’t you just let us know, Lord? Is it better for people to keep putting their faith and trust in fake pastors and prophets, in fortune tellers, clairvoyants and dibias, in astrology and palm reading? These people-and things who pretend to foretell the future-a future that only you know? These mediums who only gave a false semblance of hope?
You create us with a hunger, with the desire to control what goes on around us, then ask us to love you and trust you that we cannot see or touch?

I’m not sure if I was taught to love you. You are God. All mighty. All everything. What do you need my love for? You made me. I should do whatever you want or say-out of obligation. Love has nothing to do with obedience…not so?

But it is precisely because you are Love that you’ve left me with this, isn’t it? Free will. You, the Creator, me, the created, free,to love and adore my Creator-or not. To pay homage-or not.

Of all your creatures, i’m the one you chose to be allowed to choose if I want to be subject to my creator. I’m the one you chose to fill with your Spirit.
How can you be contained within me-flesh, full of lies and deceit-how can this be the jar you choose to fill up with your power?

I don’t understand you, God. I’ve often times thought that you were quite mad. Often times, i’ve looked in your word, and i’ve found you to be a big paradox. You are a God of justice, but you are also merciful. You are a good of war, but you love peace. You are all knowing, all seeing, all encompassing, all everything. Nothing escapes your watchful eye-not my silent tears, or the collective groaning of humanity under the weight of sin and evil. Not the little boy torn away from his parents in his youth because of wars, or famine, sometimes forced to take up arms in wars he has no business with. Nothing escapes you, Lord. You know and see everything. You OWN everything. Including me.

Yet you want my love-of all things! Your heart craves it!
How? How can anyone as imperfect as me render love unto a perfect God?What sort of God would want love from me??
And, as if that isn’t confusing enough, this one thing that you desire, you decide to give me free rein whether to give to you or not.
Loving You isn’t obligatory, then. I get to choose. Because,unlike everything else, You don’t own my love.

This is what baffles me.

You woo me for this love. Shamelessly. Like a heartsick woman, like a man in love. Even when I’ve scorned you, chasing my own desires and pleasures, you’ve refused to give up.. And like a girl doing shakara, hoard it from you I have. Even when you have shown me the extent of your love-at least shown me what my little mind can take, i’ve thrown it in your face in numerous ways. I’ve wanted to be loved only on my own terms-never mind that what and how I feel are not necessarily barometers of truth or common sense. You want my trust so that you can help run my life and make sure that everything good comes to me-because you know my end from my beginning-yet, even when I wrestle with you for it, you won’t demand it. You want my obedience-so that I can relax in your will and purpose-after all, who knows the purpose of something more than the one who created it? Yet you allow me to do whatsoever I please. You are content to pursue me,doggedly, determinedly, even when I busy my life with unnecessary things, even when I try to drown you out with the constant humdrum of life.

You let me break your heart so many times by my blatant unfaithfulness to you- when you can very easily take me out with a snap of your fingers. You chose to pour your love into me-traitorous, flimsy creature like me! Why, God? Are you so addicted to abuse that you let me do this over and over, and still accept me, used, battered and broken every single time I crawl back?

What kind of God are you, God?

And yet, when I turn to you, my strength is renewed. My hope is replenished. The light in my eyes return. The spring in my step..the joy in my heart…My heart expands and blossoms with so much love. You are there, ever present, to cry with me when I fall and blunder from not listening to you. When I choose to act like a goat or a mule- stubborn, proud, unyielding, you are still patient with me. You pick me up, when I get to the end of myself-when my pain and my suffering drives me right back to You, when I realize-often belatedly, that no one else can love me the way you can, can fill me up the way you do, can make me the person that I ought to be.

I’ve heard it said that in love, what you leave unattended to deteriorates. With you, even when I leave you and pursue other gods-the gods of knowledge and intellect and beauty, of power, pleasure and riches, these gods who satisfy the hunger I feel but only temporarily, who love me only on their own terms(which are, as long as I remain slave to them)whenever I crawl back to you, I find your love to be exactly as it was-perfect ,stable and undiminished by my stupidness and shortsightedness.

You give me so much more than any other gods can.

You prevail.

Precisely because you are God. You are this kind of God. The only kind of God-the one I can’t understand. My faithful lover.

You have taught me about trust-In the darkness of my life, you have whispered your love, you have erased my guilt, and my shame. you have given me your strength. You have brought me up and out of the place of bitterness,anger and rage that I have been in for so long. You have exchanged my fear for faith. Even in my pain, you have converted and used for my good. Even in the hours of doubt, you never leave. You surround me with your presence. Undeserving as I am. Through regret, suffering, and sorrow, you have humbled me,and brought me to my knees, repentant, hungry for your light, and for your love. In serving me, making me Your own, in cleaning up my mess, and taking up my shame, you teach me what it truly is to serve.

I don’t understand you, God. But I am learning to trust. To lean on you. To focus on your Who-ness, so that my Whys don’t hold as much importance. Because the victory isn’t in struggling in my own strength, is it? My struggle remains because I use my limited understanding of what I think you should be to measure who you are. As if I could limit you to my paltry understanding of You. Smh.
No, Its in resting in You-even when my world is falling to pieces. Because nowhere else is as safe as within your embrace. No other voice is as sweet, as soothing as yours. No other words spoken anywhere by any man or woman, can be as loving as the ones you speak in Your word. The one you whisper to my heart when it is so full of doubt-if I will but listen.

You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
Is there anything I have that you have not given me? Beauty, brains, wit. All gifts. The act of learning to trust, to believe, is a gift. From you. All from you.
You know my name.

And that is enough.

Waiting for The world To fall.


Today, I felt like dying.

Just so I can experience, in fullness, the Presence of God.

Earth..gives me everything as through a dusty mirror.

Dying reveals everything.

 

Today, I felt like dying.

In this moment, like no other, nothing here holds any allure.

My life..feels like it is full and empty.

Surely death will be more fulfilling?

 

Maybe today, I might die.

But maybe, hopefully maybe, it will be more than just the physical.

Maybe today, I realised how much I need to die to self.

For surely, in that dying, even more will be revealed.

 

I hope I can die, today.