Tag Archives: hurt

Bittersweet beautiful.


It’s Christmas Day.If you woke up with the bittersweet feeling that, although you should be happy(”tis after all the season to be jolly) but you have to fight the urge to break out into tears, this post is for you. Because it’s for me too.
It isn’t that you aren’t grateful for all he has done for you. It isn’t that you don’t have any reasons to be jolly. It isn’t that you don’t know he has kept you, preserved you, provided for you, comforted you.
But if you’ve experienced any sort of betrayal, rejection or redundancy this year, you know what I’m talking about.
If you have had to question yourself this year, if you have had to wonder if you are really as bad as someone has made you out to be, you know what I am saying.
But. And this is the most important but you will hear.

But someone, the God who created the heavens and the earth, the God who is the Elyon, most high, entered through the fabric of time today. 

He came as a little babe, whose purpose was to die.
And he did this because, he wanted to let you know that, although you may be heartbroken, may have been rejected, although you have broken sobs coming through today, he came.
He came to establish the fact that other people’s rejection of you is nothing compared to his complete, total acceptance of you. Flaws and all.

He will never reject you. He came to be like you to understand your every feeling, every pain, every emotion, every betrayal.
So that when he is covering your shame, your pain and your nakedness, he knows exactly where and how to cover. He knows what places to feel, what wounds to apply salve to. 

And he is the best person for the job, because he knows you by name.
Don’t forget that today. 

Don’t ever forget that.
Merry Christmas.

23:30.


I want to go home.Where my heart is safe.

Where my feelings are valid.

Where my voice is treasured.
Where my thoughts are thought in peace.

Where my solitude is valued.

Where touches are sweet..intimate

..kisses not stolen, hugs big and warm.

Where tears are not overlooked, never overlooked.

Surely it’s home when kindness is law

And love is king?

Where trust is preserved…

Isn’t it home where no topic is taboo?

Where conflict produces resolution?

Where silence is enjoyed, not used as a tool for abuse?

Where love is requited, appropriately?
Home.

Where the music made is beautiful.

Or beautiful chaos.

Where everyone is enough.

Where it is all enough. 

That’s home.
I need you, home.

I do.

Untitled.


She picked up her phone to call, heart racing, ears pounding. They hadn’t spoken in weeks. Pride made them unable to reach out for each other, even though they were hurting. So much water had passed under the bridge…

Will he even answer?She wondered. Anxious…gosh, what to say, even! Panicked, suddenly wondering why she was even calling..but,oops! Too late! She heard his voice..

‘Hey! Been really busy..What’s up now’? He asked. So casually. As if we spoke only yesterday. As if she was just an ordinary friend.

‘Im fine’ she shrilled. Voice too tiny, too tense. ‘Are you still very busy?’ she asked,suddenly at a loss. 

‘Yes I am’, he replied. Sounding a little terse. Cold.

‘Alright, just wanted to know how you were doing..take care! Bye!’ she chirps.

The line disconnected even before she was done talking. Thirty-one seconds on the timer.

She’d always hated that-how he always seems like in a hurry to get off the phone. Was he this way with  just me, she wondered? Or is he this way with every one else?

Oh God, why am I even agonizing about this?? Why did I even call? Sobbing,she lay on the bed. Tears filling her throat. Hurt filling her heart. This Oh-So-Familiar pain. Why, why, why???

 

 

He saw her. He knew she would hurt afterwards. He felt her pain even as she felt it. He felt her let down, he knew her deepest longings. And he knew that she would cry to Him-suffering brings you to the end of yourself, where you realize that God is ALL you have. He knew she would come with the pieces of her, shattered.

 

Why won’t you be patient, my child?He asks, after her heart’s bare,raw before Him. Why do you not trust me, my child?He asks, His voice full of sorrow. Am I not your friend? Have I not stood by you through those times? When you failed that exam, did I not comfort you? Did I not remind you that you are smart? Strengthen you to try again? When hatred threatened to consume you, because your uncle betrayed you, did I not call you to myself? Did I not soothe your aching heart with the balm of my love? When he treated you like a whore-when he used your body and beat down your mind, your will, was it not I who picked you up and lifted your head and made you beautiful again? Was it not I who restored your dignity, your self worth?

 

Why do you forget so quickly, my dear?

Why do you seek the love of the one who does not know how to love you? Who does not care even, to learn how to love you? Do you forget that I crafted how you need to be loved in my own heart? I LOVE YOU! Do you not see that?

 

My yoke is easy, child. My burden is light. Do you forget so quickly the peace you have when you are thinking of me? When your heart’s thinking of ways to please me? Do you forget the spring in your steps, darling, the love shining in your eyes, the joy trilling forth from your voice, when your heart is loving mine?

 

Why do you have such a penchant for worry, my love? My heart delights when your heart’s bursting with love! When there’s a smile in your every word. When its all you can do not to be happy!

 

Why, child?

 

Come, child. Its warm here. Rest. Sleep in the comfort of my arms. Rest in my embrace. Please, let me hold your hand. Let me kiss your nightmares away. Let me love you. Let me heal your aching heart. Let me dry your tears. And afterwards, let’s take a walk. Together.

 

Come. 

*Written on October 2nd, 2012. At a time when my life was falling apart.

But it fell apart to come together again, God’s way. Not mine.

I was reminded of it today, again.

Sometimes…there needs to be a falling apart for a coming together.

In whatever situation.*

 

 

 

 

Madness,maybe?


‘I believe in God, and I know He is God and can do all things. However, I also believe He has given us knowledge so that we can make informed decisions based on this knowledge. Let us not tempt God in our decisions. Some things cannot change. What can God do?’-excerpt,paraphrased.

Not tempt God?
What can God do?

I felt betrayed. It was like a sucker punch to my gut. It literally took the wind out of my sails.

After crying and yelling and railing, I went back to thinking. Decided to find out the meaning of tempt. Here’s what I got:

Tempt-To entice to do wrong by promise of pleasure or gain.
To induce to do something.
To risk provoking.

Going further, I checked the meaning of provoke.

Provoke-to incite to anger-both from the Merriam Websters Dictionary of the English language.

Now….what can God do?
Wow…hmmm….a question that a lot of us have asked(with our actions). How?
When we are impatient,having bought into the ‘now’ culture which has pervaded the secular world and now intruded and taken over our Churches,the need for instant gratification evident when we go ahead to venture into a business deal without His backing or endorsement,because it looks like it may yield immediate profit.

The craze that has become picking out a life partner by ourselves,without waiting for Him to bring who He has prepared for us.

The way we forget to pray when we get ill.

Looking to others-people like you and I,running this same race of life, for validation. And despising them when they cannot provide that which only God can.

In each way we turn to our selves first,our money,our friends, our families(first), what we are really doing is asking God what He can do.

I’d never heard the words put so succinctly before and they sounded so blasphemous to my ears,so I recoiled in horror because, hypocrite that I am( I am really no better because I had only subconsciously thought it amd not voiced it), I thought,for just a minute there,that I was better. And I asked the stupidest question ever. ‘How can you say such a thing?’
But the real question should have been ‘what CAN’T He do?’

And in that second,I realised why the statement ‘don’t tempt God’ had always grated.

Don’t tempt God? How,exactly? How can us,mere humans do that? Seduce Him?(I guffawed at the thought) By inducing Him to do something?
Me,incite God?

We make Him too small.

Is there anything that He doesn’t already know? Is there anything you want to ask that He didn’t lay in your heart? Is there anything you want to ask that hasn’t been asked? The desires and wishes of man haven’t changed from creation and the fall of man. God has been dealing with our kind since for ever.

Since when does faith provoke God to anger?

Since when is believing the very nature,the very essence of God wrong?

Because if believing the impossible is tempting God,I might as well resign to tempting Him my whole life. The idea of a man who died two thousand years ago being the salvation of the whole world is ludicrous,really,based on common knowledge.

But it isn’t knowledge that pleases God. Faith is.

So there.

omanma