And why do I constantly feel like I’m not good enough? Like, all I am is a facade? That its all false…and will one day fall apart? I’m constantly in a state of depersonalization. Waiting for the cookie to crumble.

What’s real? What’s not? What am I lacking? Why do I feel this disconnect-from all things? I’m here, in health of body, and presumably mind-yet I feel as if there is something missing. Something I cannot place a finger on. Nothing quite adds up. Does it add up for everyone else? Or is this disconnect peculiar to me?

The things that used to please me, no longer do. I read and find no pleasure. I run and find no peace! In my dreams I am distressed and troubled- over things I cannot even identify. I wake up and I feel weary. I pray and find no respite. My heart is constantly troubled. My mind in a constant state of flux-like a boiling cauldron. Mixing,ruminating, cooking, steaming. Some things at the surface…others, beneath..not forgotten, just waiting to be brought up…with or without my prodding. Or anyone else’s for that matter.

The brave front crumbles when I am alone. 

Will it ever add up? Does it ever add up? Am I a fraud? Pretending to be what I am not?Does a monster lurk within…the real me? 

Why so sad,  Oh heart? Why so discouraged?

I will put my trust in You, Oh God.


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